My school had a tradition of putting 4th graders in little skits, and I was in one called Sammy Carducci's Guide to Women. (based, as I just found out, on a terrible-looking novel for middle schoolers).
The director of these shows recorded them, and gave to me a DVD he'd made as a graduation gift.
The second half of the scene is below (the first half is out of focus, you need to wait a few seconds on what I've embedded below). Lord, what a strange thing to look back on.
Highlights are at 2:13 (I make some really amazing, kind of demonic throat sound), and the freak out at 3:10.
Transcript of the scene after the jump...
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Unrelated, but cool links I found this morning: a concise prediction I agree with on where computers are headed (differentiating between 'people' computers and 'geek' computers).
Bullet points on why smart people fail to be successful. While the choice of words is muddy, I found a lot of his points resonated with me. Arguably the best thing I learned at Brown was the hard experience of occasionally failing, which was absolutely necessary to (stealing his jargon) 'leave the sandbox.'
Finally, having front-end web dev skills went from being able to navigate awful w3schools tutorials into a proper science of its own. Even if you know CSS and basic Javascript, there's pitfall after pitfall in the trenches of the real world. I found this list of requirements for new hires to be a good primer on what are contemporary considerations.
For the record, I tried adding these to the video, but YouTube captioning is a mess or horrors. Vimeo doesn't even support it, lame sauces.
[Sammy] Here, I'm gonna give you some background information on women. You might want to take notes.
[Gus] Uh, notes? Oh, did I show you my new pen? It writes in four different colors! What color do you think I should use? Maybe red, because it's like blood! But my brother likes green. Some people like blue, but black is easier to read!
[Sammy] Oh, Gus, are you finished?
[Gus] Red, definitely red!
[Sammy] Try to concentrate.
[Gus] Hey, this thing is jammed!
[Sammy] Okay, first off, women tend to cry a lot.
[Gus] (writing) Cry. A. Lot. Is this okay?
[Sammy] Yeah, fine. Most of the time all they do is think about mushy romantic stuff. They do things like write letters to Mel Gibson, and memorize the lyrics to their favorite love song. Women are always going on diets, but they have this uncontrollable urge to bake chocolate chip cookies. It's one of the mysteries of modern science. Women are always in groups, so they have someone to listen to while they [inaudible], which is all the time. And when they're not together, they're usually on the phone. Basically, they're weak, and they're looking for someone strong. That's where the two of us come in. Okay, you got that so far?
[Gus] Yeah.
[Sammy] WHAT IS THIS?
[Gus] Oh, its a rocket ship taking off into outer space, see!? The rocket ship is black, the earth is green, the sky is blue, and the rocket's flames are red.
[Sammy] GUS!
[Gus] This pen is great for rocket ships!
[Sammy] Let's try a new topic, huh?
[Gus] Can I still take notes?
[Sammy] Yeah, but you might want to start a new page.
We're gonna call this "Tips for Impressing Women." Okay, number 1, NEVER ever carry an umbrella. It's a sign of weakness.
[Gus] Hey, I never knew that!
[Sammy] Number 2, always use an after shave, even if you don't shave. Number 3, never say "I don't know."
[Gus] But what if you don't know?
[Sammy] Pretend you do. Number 4, talk in a low, soft voice. This is called the Voice of Love. Women go nuts for it!
[Gus] What does it sound like?
[Sammy] Umm... I'll do it for you later. I don't want anyone to bother me right now. And number 5, and this is the very most important one of all. "Dare to be different."
[Gus] You mean look preppy like you do?
[Sammy] No! That wouldn't be different, that would be the same!
[Gus] So how do you know what to do?
[Sammy] It's up to you. That's the whole point. Come on, let's get on with the survey.
[Gus] [inaudible]
[Sammy] Just take notes! We're going to be checkout out the women in the cafeteria and looking for things that might be important. I tell you, and you write it down. For instance, stuff that would drive you crazy.Like Marsha Brennan would be fine, but has that habit of picking her ear with a paper clip. Debbie Watterstein's great, until she laughs, and sounds like a pig. And that one over there, she's way too skinny, and the person she's with, she's...
[Gus] Sammy?
[Sammy] She's beautiful! GUS! GUS GUS! SHe's looking at us.
[Gus] What are you doing?
[Sammy] Just nod and smile! Pretend we're like student architects checking out the building.
[Gus] Hey! Quit chewing on my pen! You might have germs!
[Sammy] "Yes! Of course! I see!"
[Gus] You see what?
[Sammy] She looked away, we're clear. C'mon, let's go get candy bars.
[Gus] But what about the survey?
[Sammy] It's FINISHED!
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